10%

I might actually lose thirty pounds before the end of the year. Maybe even more. I can already squeeze into the size 16 jeans that are hanging in my closet (when I started losing weight, I was a very, very snug size 18), but hopefully they will fit comfortably by the New Year. This is kind of exciting.

In any case, I have now passed the 10% mark, meaning I have lost more than twenty-five pounds. I have been fighting illness the last few days and breathing has not been so easy, but prior to getting sick, I had noticed my breathing getting easier when I walk on the treadmill, which had allowed me to slowly start trying to build up running. Unfortunately, because I have been sick, I have been set back a bit, but I am still trying to keep active, even if it means taking it at a slow pace for the time being.

The last week or so, I have started making an effort to stop eating late at night. There is plenty of dialogue out there stating that late night eating leads to weight gain. While I have been losing weight despite this bad habit, I figured it would help calm down the occasional heartburn I experience late at night. Also, when I really think about it, I only ever eat that late because I am bored or coping with stress. So far I have managed to do all right. Not eating so late has helped me to go to sleep earlier, and when I am up late, I have been keeping busy with projects.

I guess I am more motivated than I have been with this weight loss effort in comparison to previous efforts. My sister’s health issues have obviously affected me, even though my relationship with her is strained at best. I guess this time, I really, really want it and believe for once that I deserve it. Keeping this blog is helping too, because it’s given me the opportunity to develop a support system, whereas previously I tried not to advertise that I was losing weight. I thought weight loss was something I did not need to flaunt, and I am still iffy about it, but I do realize that when I talk about it and openly express my satisfaction at achieving the small goals I have set for myself along the way, I can get feedback and support. I know now that I need that. Being a non-driver, I cannot get to Weight Watchers meetings at this point in time, but should my situation change, I fully intend on going to meetings.

2011 was a very difficult year, but I’d like to think that at least I am finishing it out on a positive note. While no one can ever predict the events of their life, 2012 is ripe with the potential for adventure. I will have to work my hardest and keep a positive mindset, but the reward will surely be worth the effort.

Until next time.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Turkey and a Rock Star Moment...

I am now down more than twenty pounds and feeling fabulous about it. I have been pretty good about my goal of exercising every day. Even if I don’t get on the treadmill every day, I’ve done some sort of physical movement. It shames me to say that I haven’t been quite so good about cutting back on soda and getting more sleep. Unfortunately, my stress level has been absurdly high lately and I’m letting my focus slip. So I am calling myself out, and telling myself that I need to concentrate harder on what I want to achieve.

With the upcoming holiday season fast approaching, it can be all too easy to get lost in indulgence. Thanksgiving and Christmas are built for gluttony. When I first started doing Weight Watchers in September, I thought that perhaps I would leave those days blank on my Points Tracker. Since then, I have had a change of heart and decided instead to still enjoy the holidays and the food, but be reasonable about it. Basically, don’t eat myself into a food coma, and I will put a bowl of salad on the table so I can always fill up on veggies first to avoid second (and who we kidding, third) helpings of potato filling and turkey.

I did, however, see some delicious-looking-yet-healthy recipes for leftovers. Hopefully, I can try one or two out. I also love the abundance of pumpkin and gingerbread flavored foods this time of year, and I have been actively looking for healthier ways to get my fixes of these flavors. Smack dab in the middle of Amish territory, the temptation of baked goods can be overwhelming (if you are not on a diet, go eat pumpkin cookies from Shady Maple; they are to die for). Thankfully, I have resisted everything save for my gingerbread latte from Starbucks, but I have been getting a tall, nonfat decaf latte and not going nearly as often.

In my last entry, I mentioned that I had a meet and greet with the Goo Goo Dolls. Well, once they again the guys didn’t disappoint. Although the meet and greet was far shorter than I would have liked, the room radiated with their energy, they were all smiles and John and Robby actually met me halfway as I walked up to shake their hands. I was able to engage Mike in a bit of conversation, as I had noticed something he wrote on Facebook regarding his activities earlier in the day. So it was an excellent moment for me, and the concert was so lively and energetic and one of the best that I had attended. I think I’ve seen them nine times, the first time in 2000 when I was fourteen-years-old, and I’ve loved them even longer. Most people nowadays know of my obsessive love for GACKT, but the Goo Goo Dolls? They were my first passionate music love.

(From left to right, that’s Robby Takac, John Rzeznik and Mike Malinin. I am assuming I do not need to point out which person in the picture is me.)

(Aside: This is also the most flattering picture of me with the band. I may be a big girl, but this big girl felt very cute that day!)

With that, it’s off to plot my next adventure in weight loss.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Goals and Stress Management...

Well, it is Halloween and I am currently munching on a few Weight Watchers candies (and JUST a few) and dressed up in the black lolita dress I wore to Otakon back around the end of July. I reached my first weight loss goal of fifteen pounds by today, and I am marveling at how much more comfortable this dress feels right now. I was actually able to zip up the back all the way by myself! So even though our home does not receive any trick-or-treaters (a casualty of rural living) and I have no plans to leave the house, I was happy to dress up, put on makeup and enjoy the day quietly.

The months of August through October have routinely been a high stress period for the last four years or so. As some of you probably realize, that is when the run of the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire takes place. Juggling a low-paying job with my commitment as a cast member of the Faire has always brewed up stress. Money, time, transportation, finding a place to bunk during the weekend, trying to get enough sleep, learning music, my horrible, horrible job… It can become a little overwhelming at times. On top of it, this year has been an unusually unhappy season caused by uncontrollable circumstances, with terrible weather, including a freaking blizzard that cancelled our final weekend, and the loss of one of our own. And then add on top of that my sister’s illness (she is currently back in the hospital for mental health issues, and that is all I will say on the subject), and it is a recipe for trouble. Trouble tastes like chocolate and pumpkin cheesecake.

So admittedly, I have had a few culinary indiscretions over the last few days due to the enormous amount of stress my family is currently under, but I am stating right now that I will not allow this lousy situation to derail me. I canNOT allow that to happen. So what I need to do is learn to find other ways to manage my stress.

An easy start is to use exercise as my stress outlet as opposed to binge eating. I am giving myself a goal for November to exercise at least half an hour every day, no excuses. If I’m not at home, I’ll need to be creative and find a way to get some activity in. A second goal is to make an effort to get more sleep. Too often I stay up too late for no reason. I pay for it in the morning when I crawl out of bed poorly rested and my body hurts. I am not being kind to myself, and the bad habits are only creating more stress for me. My third and final goal for the month is to reduce the amount of soda I drink. I have a disgusting soda habit (fun fact: my dad works for a soda company) and drink far too much of it. I enjoy it, but it’s time I started seeing other beverages, like water. At this point in time, I am not going to give up soda in its entirety, partially because I am concerned that trying to do so at the moment is not good for my stress levels, and it could lead to disaster. However, I will not rule out doing so in the future. For now though, I think these are three good goals to start with.

I am proud of myself for losing weight despite all the factors that have normally contributed to my poor food decisions. I do like Weight Watchers. It requires me to be accountable, so I end up making better choices. I’m slowly starting to cook more for myself, and have taken the opportunity to try new foods and experiment. It makes healthy eating all the more enjoyable if I allow myself to have fun with it.

Life will work itself out. It tends to do that. There is a lot out of my control at the moment, but the one thing I can control is how I react to it. I am choosing to work on managing my stress and focusing on the positive. Next week, my favorite band, the Goo Goo Dolls are FINALLY performing in my hometown, and the Fates have given me a meet and greet pass for the concert. It’s actually the third time I’ve been lucky enough to meet with the band, and they haven’t left me disappointed. So despite everything that is going on right now, there is a hug from a hot rock star waiting for me just around the corner.

I love silver linings.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Let's Get the Sob Story Out of the Way First

Hello, and welcome to my blog, Full Figured Diva. My name is Liz, and like many people, my ass is far bigger than it should be … as well as my thighs, waist, arms and every other part of my body. A touch of self-pity and low self esteem on top of bad eating habits and little-to-no-exercise and before I knew it, my weight had reached nearly 250 pounds. I'm really embarrassed to admit that, actually, but I'm going for honesty in this blog. I ate my feelings, my delicious sugar-coated unhappiness, and pretended I didn't know better.

I suppose I could rant at length if I wanted to about all the factors contributing to why I overeat. There have been a lot of people in my life who made it clear that I was never going to be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough or able to conform enough, and it's left me with an enormous sense of failure. I can't even begin to express how hard I have failed on so many occasions, and I always found myself turning to food whenever stressed or upset. I didn't think I was good enough for anyone or anything.

Which was stupid. Really, REALLY stupid. Not only was I letting others hurt me, I was hurting myself too. Even worse, I allowed it to happen despite knowing better.

My wake up call that I needed to change and stop making excuses occurred early last month. My little sister, Jen, suddenly had a seizure at work and was rushed to the hospital. Initially, doctors suspected a brain tumor. It turned out to be an arteriovenous malformation, which was still pretty scary. She had brain surgery and some of her hair was shaved. She's not allowed to drive. Her hands aren't working properly. She can't work. She had to leave school. Jen was always very independent and it was all taken away from her. Eventually, she will be okay, I think, but she's going through so many emotions I can't even begin to pretend to know how she feels.

My sister could not control what happened to her, but all the things that were putting MY health at risk? Yeah, they were─ARE totally my own fault. I may not be able to foresee my future, but at least I can make sure that I do everything in my power to not contribute to my own misfortune. It's time to make some positive changes in my life.

Because I'm a great person, dammit, and I owe it to myself to aim for all that potential I've spent far too much time squandering. I am a diva, through and through, and why should I keep hiding how fabulous I am? Several weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers, because I followed the previous program years ago and had some success. I'm down more than ten pounds already, but it's too soon to celebrate yet. There is still so much to learn when it comes to creating a healthy and positive lifestyle for myself, but I've always liked challenges and I am more than ready to face this challenge and hopefully find the success I've denied myself for so long.

I am worth it.

TO BE CONTINUED...